crusted crafts

Focussing on the recent developments in strategic soft power, CARPA is just launching operation Crust Crusade along the US west coast. The project aims to employ the popular subculture of crust punk to leverage the agenda of US-controlled capitalism under the cloak of aesthetic dissent and rebellion. Using western contractors, each with an agenda of domination within their markets, the DoD employs lifestyle infiltration to produce pro-NATO sentiments amongst dissident youth groups in the middle-east and former Soviet republics.

“We need a new sustainable paradigm to stay ahead of the moving targets of lifestyle,” said Sandra Svenson, CARPA designer and program manager. “With Crust Crusade, the goal is to develop new viral consumer practices that are effective against a broad spectrum of adversarial ideologies, to make sure our style supremacy co-evolves and outpace reactionary elements.” As demonstrated by Svenson, such practices employ a wide range of disseminated DIY activities, not least the famous pro-american crust pants.

Until the recent strategic advances in crochet, the inaccuracies of individual stitches meant that patterns routinely ended up far from their intended designs, or worse, became imprecise “folk” works of art at the local craft fair. Now, with an ambitious new CARPA efforts and computational breakthroughs, the new program Expedited Crochet with Enhanced Stitch Stability (ECESS) is reaching the frontline of war-craft. Program manager Rennie McAardwark is heralding a modern-day breakthrough in atomic precision crochet stitches, analogous to the sub-atomic achievement in particle stitching and electron whittling at the labs at CERN. Not only will we soon see new Graphene-molecular sweatshirts for tech-Hipsters in Brooklyn or Portland, but more importantly, these new techniques will give warfighters enormous advantages related to camouflage, cunning and craftiness for extended operations after they last synchronized their stitches at their FOB or Stitch n’ Bitch. Semper Fiber!