Until the recent strategic advances in crochet, the inaccuracies of individual stitches meant that patterns routinely ended up far from their intended designs, or worse, became imprecise “folk” works of art at the local craft fair. Now, with an ambitious new CARPA efforts and computational breakthroughs, the new program Expedited Crochet with Enhanced Stitch Stability (ECESS) is reaching the frontline of war-craft. Program manager Rennie McAardwark is heralding a modern-day breakthrough in atomic precision crochet stitches, analogous to the sub-atomic achievement in particle stitching and electron whittling at the labs at CERN. Not only will we soon see new Graphene-molecular sweatshirts for tech-Hipsters in Brooklyn or Portland, but more importantly, these new techniques will give warfighters enormous advantages related to camouflage, cunning and craftiness for extended operations after they last synchronized their stitches at their FOB or Stitch n’ Bitch. Semper Fiber!